How to Seduce a Woman
by fan1906
Summary: Things are chaotic in House's life to say the least, can a beautiful new employee change things for him?
1. A new Employee

**Disclaimer: Do not own House or any of the characters mentionned in the story except for Elisabeth. **

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><p><strong>How to Seduce a Woman<strong>

**Chapter 1: A new Employee  
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Things were a mess in House's life, he was straight out of jail for running his car into his ex-girlfriend's house, Thirteen had left to deal with her brother's death and for reasons he had yet to understand, Chase was now the dean of medicine, his father's name probably impressed the board of directors significantly, as his thoughts focused on Chase, the young Australian walked into his office.

"I found someone for you." He declared without merely acknowledging House's presence.

"Morning sunshine. Say, boss, what would I need someone for?" He asked naively, knowing full well what the issue was.

"Thirteen's gone, I'm gone, Taub is going to be a daddy, twice, you need someone else on the team." He said referring to his former colleague's departure and the impending fatherhood of another member of the team.

"No I don't!" He retorted, obviously annoyed with the younger man.

"I don't care; Dr. Belmont is qualified and hired." He said flipping through the files he was holding, ignoring the man.

"Unhire her!"He declared trying to maintain the upper hand on the other man, feeling defeated as soon as he uttered the sentence.

"Will not, and don't even think about firing her or you'll be the one fired, I'm fully immune to your charm unlike Cuddy." He affirmed with a glib smile.

"I've got tenure." He confidently announced.

"I... wouldn't count on that, I had to fight to keep you, the board would not even think twice about firing the man who caused Cuddy to leave." He threatened in a triumphant tone that irked the older man.

In the mean time a tall pretty woman walked in wearing a black skirt suit with a white blouse underneath. She wore black pumps and her long brown hair in a flowing pony tail. She held a purse and briefcase in her hands.

"I'm sorry sweetie, we have plenty of copies of The Watchtower, you can move right along." He said, referring to the young woman's conservative outfit and stance.

"Oh I get it, I dress conservatively for a job interview so I believe that the Armageddon is imminent so I should hurry up with all of my little sect members to establish God's kingdom on earth before the shit hits the fan. I'll make sure to keep that in mind when facing my closet on Monday, are low-rider jeans tolerated? I'm Elisabeth Belmont." She said grinning and offering his hand to shake.

"And I get why you were hired, you are hot. Chase loves that." He replied ignoring her outstretched hand.

"I hired her because she has an impressive background in Pathology." His new boss retorted to justify his decision, not that he owed him an explanation.

"Pathology? We've done like two autopsies in seven years, one of which was on that young cancer patient, whom he kissed by the way and was not literally declared dead and then there was that man who had male members of his family die at around 40 and we didn't even proceed because he woke up. Wow you definitely hired her because she's hot." He asserted, adding the kissing of a child to inform Dr. Belmont, who was now listening to the banter between both men.

"Dr. Belmont specializes Clinical Pathology, which, you will agree with me House, is relevant to your line of work since you do your own labs. I figured this is where she could shine." He said raising his eyebrows triumphantly.

"I'm pretty sure you also figured she'd shine in your pants as well." He stared into her eyes, appreciating the flush that was rising to her cheek.

"No! Besides Kutner was in Sports Medicine, Taub in Plastic Surgery what does _that_ have to do with diagnostics? She's competent and seems to have a thick skin, she's your new employee and this argument does not turn me on, unlike Cuddy, so I'll be on my way. Have a nice day Dr. Belmont, let me know if he's of any inconvenience to you." She smiled shaking his hand and the younger man left.

"You begin Monday, why are you still here?" She turned and left without saying goodbye.


	2. Seduction Master Plan

**Disclaimer: Once again, I own nothing!**

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><p><strong>How to Seduce a Woman<strong>

**Chapter 2: Seduction Master Plan**

As soon as all that was left of Belmont was her flowery scent floating in the room, he was joined by his best friend, Dr. Wilson walking into the office. He came in with his usual gossip queen stance, which he knew would annoy him significantly.

"Who's the hottie?" He said pointing his chin in the direction Belmont had just taken.

"My new employee, according to Chase, and if I want to keep this job apparently I have to keep her. Chase obviously wants a piece of her toned ass and only hired her to get into her pants. Except I am the one that has to deal with an incompetent pathologist, not him." He explained, summing up their argument with a few colourful adjectives.

"Is she incompetent?" He asked, doubtful of his friend's conclusions.

"She's a pathologist, how competent can she really be? It's not like her patients can complain, they're either dead or pieces of lungs." He implied.

"She's probably very knowledgeable. Besides your patients complain all the time. Is patient satisfaction a proof of competency? If so, you suck." He argued, obviously accustomed to his friend's antics.

"You want a piece of that ass too. Am I the only completely immune?" He asked rhetorically.

"Visibly." He said mock biting his fist to convey desire.

"Ah Men, so superficial! Any way I have my plan to get rid of her." He replied, rubbing his hands in an evil manner.

"Be your usual self, that should be sufficient." He mentioned, referring to the man's difficult personality and his knack for humiliating his employees.

"Chase must have painted a pretty unattractive picture to warn her of my behaviour. He assured me she had thick skin and I believe that. He expects me to destroy her, what he doesn't expect me to do is to charm her, which is exactly what will happen. I'll make her fall for me _so _hard Chase will be inexistent to her pretty green eyes." He plotted with a mischievous grin on his face.

"You're planning to be so sweet, kind and attractive that she will forget Chase. Chase, right? The man who could sleep with a bevy of attractive women with only his looks, athletic built and charming accent. He's young, good-looking and he landed a sweet spot as the head of the hospital you can't win in comparison. You are a married middle-aged emotionally-crippled miserable junky who drove into his ex-girlfriend's house." He said making motions with his hands that were characteristically his.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, I can be pretty charming, trust me, she'll be in love with me." He declared, even more certain of his value.

"Do you even care that you might break her heart?" He asked, obviously concerned with the girl's feelings.

"Why do _you_ care? You don't even know her. At best, I'll get laid with an admittedly hot woman at the worst she'll quit because I broke her pretty little fragile heart." He said pouting through the last statement.

"You're pathetic!" Wilson threw his hands up in the air out of exasperation and walked to his office, leaving House to the elaboration of his seduction plan. The older doctor typed 'How to seduce a woman' on Google and his face lit up at a website that pleased him.


	3. Manage your Image

**The website I used for the steps to seduce a woman is a wikihow page. I am not criticizing the work of those who contributed to the page, I just used the steps for comedic purposes.**

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><p><strong>How to Seduce a Woman<strong>

**Chapter 3: Manage your Image**

Step one on the website was to maintain a positive image, this was to be a delicate matter since the only image he maintained was anything but positive, he had to try and become nice, kind and likeable. He spent his entire weekend thinking of a way he could improve his image, until he came up to the conclusion that he had to become Wilson: a pushover who was liked by pretty much everyone.

He walked into work the next Monday, on time, with a freshly ironed blue shirt and a clean-shaven face, instead of his usual sneakers he wore nice polished shoes and had opted for a grey suit that matched his shirt perfectly. He even wore his lab coat, which was basically as good as new since he had never worn the thing. That morning, he had politely thanked the lady at the coffee shop although she was rude, stupid and deserved to get a piece of his mind, kindly greeted nurse Jeffrey in lieu of making fun of him and treated his entire team to coffee and muffins.

"Good morning guys!" He exclaimed in a kind voice neither Taub nor Foreman had ever heard from him. He focused his stare on Belmont who wore a gorgeous purple sheath dress under her lab coat, her long brown hair flowing on her shoulders and her feet clad in a pair of high-heeled pumps that made her look tall, lean and sexy. He had to admit, that just like Chase and Wilson, he wouldn't mind getting a piece of her toned ass.

"Good morning Dr. House!" She replied in a soft feminine tone that was matched with a pearly-white smile.

The other two members of the team were too surprised by his looks and behaviour to even reply to the greeting. They were interrupted by Chase walking into the conference room.

"There's a new case for you House." He declared, handing him the file.

"Well thank you Dr. Chase, we'll get right on it." He said in a chipper tone that made the two oldest members of his team and his former employee chuckle. Belmont stared at the three other men wondering what their shared smile was about, although she was rather surprised with her boss's behaviour she couldn't quite understand.

"Well, thank you, Dr. House. Dr. Belmont don't hesitate to come and see me if _anything _happens." Chase adopted the tone his former boss used, with a grin and left the conference room.

House read the file to his team, writing the symptoms on the board as he went along. They expressed their ideas and he tried his best to remain kind to everyone on his team when they were wrong.

"It could be Lupus." Belmont said naively, and was answered by her teammates with a stare of surprise and fascination that generally occurred when one witnessed a train wreck about to happen, or in this case a gorgeous doctor about to get her pretty head chewed off.

House breathed through his nose three times, trying his hardest to stick to the plan and remain likeable to Belmont's eyes. "It _never _ is Lupus, Elisabeth." He said, using her first name for emphasis.

"Maybe it _is, _just this once. The rash fits..." She said naively, shrugging in a way he could only describe as cute and then he internally kicked himself for using the word cute.

" Ok, I'm convinced, please, run an ANA to confirm although it is pretty much the least reliable test in the book, since labs are where you shine. If ever you're wrong, it's likely, go check the patient's home for anything environmental." He declared watching her as she left the conference room.

The other two employees stared at him. "Just so you know, I prefer when you're a dick." Foreman mentioned as he left to join her in the lab, quickly followed by Taub.

House sat satisfied with himself, convinced he made a good impression on the gorgeous woman, taking a sip from one of the untouched coffee.

Forman and Taub joined her as she was testing the patient's blood.

"Just so you know, he's probably doing this to impress you. He's never nice, even with his ex-girlfriend he wasn't nice." Taub said to warn Belmont.

"What happened to his ex-girlfriend?" She asked naively.

"He started getting hooked on the vicodin again, she left him, he married a Russian girl to get back at her and he drove his car into her house while she was in there with three other people to get back at her for having a date. He's fresh out of prison." Taub informed the younger woman.

"Wow he's pretty messed up." She concluded getting back to the test.

"And that's just the past year." He added with a smile.

She smiled back and stared at both men with a saddened face. "It's negative, he'll murder me."

"Thankfully he won't, you're dealing with the new and improved House." Foreman quipped.

They walked back to his office where he sat bragging about his master plan to his friend Wilson.

"House, it's negative." She said as soon as they entered the room, unaware that she was the topic of conversation mere seconds ago.

"Gee, that surprises me, if only we would have known instead of loosing time we don't have, testing for no valid reason." She annoyed him, it never was lupus, he wished she could have gotten that through that pretty empty head of hers. He Had forgotten his master plan for a few seconds and he realized he had said his last comment in a sarcastic and angry tone.

"Great! Now I can stop loosing time we don't have, testing for things we all know it isn't and you can drop the phony attitude. I have no idea what motivated this, but this is creepy." She said motioning to his clothes and recently purchased breakfast items. She did not wait for his reply and decisively stated: "I'm going to the patient's house. Any of you boys coming?"

She walked out, followed by her colleagues. Wilson stared at his best friend "So much for managing a likeable image, she could tell you were putting on a show."

"I know." He snapped back staring at the empty hallway, inwardly hatching step 2 of the master plan.


End file.
